Well here's the next chapter! Sorry it's a little long; I normally don't post such long sections but I can't break it off in any other spots.
As a brief reminder, the young man Chance has just asked Jot the dragon for help regarding a damsel.
Here There Be Dragons
Chapter Two
Well! This was rich! A human stringbean needing my help! I have to admit, I was quite amused.
“This is a joke, right? Someone took advantage of your idiotic nature and sent you up here, telling you to ask the dragon for help. This is ridiculous.”
Chance flipped his visor up, and I caught sight of two red spots on his very white face. “Sir dragon, I am not being put up to this. I have come of my own volition and I am asking you in all seriousness to come to my aid.”
“For what? What could you need my help for?”
“Sir dragon, if you will allow me to explain my plight, I would be most grateful.”
Temporarily befuddled, I settled back onto my haunches and flicked my tail. “Go on, I’m listening.”
He took a deep breath and began. “My father is lord of the Wolelands, and I am his heir. My sister, Thelia, is a maiden of beauty rare.”
“Oh my, this isn’t going in the direction of incest, is it?” I stirred anxiously. “I’m having no hand in it—messy businesses, those, not to mention morally disgusting.”
He glared at me, insulted. “Not in the least,” he said huffily. “We share the purest of affection. Indeed, it is for the sake of her purity that I am setting forth. She drew the attention of a visiting wizard—Terpith by name.”
I felt a shudder ripple under my scales at the name—he was a bad ’un indeed. I owed a couple of good scars to him.
“The accursed wizard has taken my sister—she would not come with him—and has hidden her in his tower in the citadel of Rale.”
“The king’s place,” I commented. “About forty leagues away. You’ve got quite a journey ahead of you.” This boy was certainly in a pickle. And what he thought he was going to gain with me was even more intriguing.
“I have spoken out against him, but the city is corrupt. Only those with power, prominence, and wealth will be heard justly. In regards to the king’s court, I am aidless.”
“Break her out,” I suggested with a yawn. It had been a while since I had had such a long conversation. “Or maybe she likes living with him. Just think, it’s the richest part of the country. Improvement upon her former status, eh?”
“She would rather die than be married to Terpith.” Again, I shivered slightly. “I must rescue her. My father is too weak, or he would, too.”
“And what, may I ask, does this have to do with me?”
Here he hesitated, forming his words carefully. “I am in need of someone who is able to defeat Terpith. There is no other living creature I know of who can oppose so powerful a wizard.”
“That is true. But what do you expect me to do?” I asked, amused. “Break through the tower and fly away with your sister?”
By the silence of his response, I knew I had struck on his thoughts.
“And even if you came up with some ingenious way of rescuing your sister, why would I want to help you?”
“I could reward you most handsomely,” he replied.
“Oh yeah? How so? You don’t look like you’d make much of a meal for me.”
“I know what it is that dragons desire, more than gold and jewels,” he said in a low voice, as if letting me in on a secret. “I know how much you love the taste and sound and feel and shine,” his voice dropped to a whisper, “of steel.”
I blinked, surprised. Yes, he was right. Completely right. How he ever came to know such a thing was beyond me. But it was true—steel was a mystery, something we dragons both loved and hated. It shone brilliantly against the light, and was beautiful to behold—but it was used to make the very weapons and armor that led to our death. Somehow, in an ironic way, we were attracted to its deathly shine. It was partly why we put up with the knights for as long as we did; whenever one died, we would take the armor and melt it and guard it jealously, our spoils of war.
“I could give you steel aplenty; unformed, pure, as much as this cave could hold.”
I cast a glance around the room, thinking. It was silly, this whole idea. I should just eat the boy and be done with the whole business…but his words would not leave.
To be the possessor of so much gleaming metal—my scales shook and I felt a flame of desire leap within me. To have, to hold, to see, and unharmed, too! The familiar surge of greed and longing came upon me, and I growled, “You would do this?”
The boy nodded solemnly. “Upon the graves of my forefathers, I do swear to keep my word and supply you with steel enough to fill this cavern if you are faithful and aid me in rescuing my sister and defeating the wizard Terpith. Do you swear this also, dragon, along with the promise of leaving myself, and anyone else I designate, unharmed?”
“I swear,” I growled, eyes alight. “I swear upon the blood and bones sunken into the ground from my doing.”
He nodded, satisfied, and I felt my eagerness abate. An odd weariness settled over me and I started thinking about what I had just sworn.
“Now hold on just a minute. How am I supposed to aid you? Nothing like this has ever been done before.” In fact, I was beginning to have second thoughts. How degrading would it be if the other dragons caught wind of me being in league with a scrawny human? How ridiculous! I could eat him now; one gulp wouldn’t harm him, right? That was all I had promised, not to harm him…
“I have not decided yet,” he said, scratching his nose. “It’s a long journey to Rale, though.”
“And I’m not carrying you,” I warned. “My wings are only so strong. Reedy as you are, I think you would weigh me down too much.”
“I have money enough to purchase a steed which would accomplish our quest,” he mused.
“You’re going to need a new suit of armor while you’re at it,” I put in. “Not to mention a sword that isn’t stuck inside an old scabbard.”
At those words, he imperiously drew the blade out of the sheath, and I took an involuntary step back before shaking my head angrily and taking two deliberate paces forward.
The sword’s blade, contrary to my previous belief, was shining and of the finest metal; it thrilled me to see it so close, so shining…
“This sword belonged to my father, and is a relic of the old times,” Chance said. “It shall do the deeds needed of it.” He slid it back into its scabbard and I felt myself flag a little.
“Well this is all very well, but how do you seriously propose setting forth? Shall I go ahead and burn any villages down?”
“Absolutely not,” he replied firmly. “The only ones I have a quarrel with are the wizards and court of Rale. We shall not involve anyone else if need be.”
“I’m not going to get the best reception wherever we go in this form. And I’m not going to go through undue risks, promise or no.”
“I shall think of that,” he said pettishly. “For now, let us walk.”
“Oh?” My tail thumped in surprise. “We’re leaving now?”
“Yes. I came prepared to see you, and in the event that you were not willing to strike a deal, I would have continued on alone.”
I laughed scornfully. “You mean you would’ve ended up inside my stomach, that’s what! I would have eaten you in a tick.”
Here the boy gave me a sidelong glance, and I must admit I found it almost…unnerving. His buggy blue eyes held a certain calm self-possession that was most unusual in someone of his age. He also had a knowing glint in them that I didn’t care for; he had already shown uncanny knowledge with the steel incident. Who knew what else was hidden away behind that most unpromising exterior?
“Lead the way, O Master,” I said dryly. He didn’t reply, and instead merely began the long descent down.
I waited until he was at the foot of the cliff before launching myself from the cave, spreading my wings as I did so and reveling in the feeling of air rushing beneath them. I spiraled down and landed gracefully on the ground, taking extra care of folding in my wings so the boy could be suitable impressed by them.
To my annoyance, the visor of his helmet seemed to have slammed down and did a nice job of covering his face up, so he missed my entire display. While he struggled with the rusted piece of metal, I stretched and looked out over the countryside. It was a pleasant place, indeed—little was I to know how long it would be before I ever saw it again.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
I'm back for more. ^_^
This rhymes. O.o Is that intentional? Just wondering.I'm not going to do nit-picks of this chapter, because there's nothing that popped out to me and I don't really have the time just now. Wait, no. There is one thing that popped out to me:
Okay. Overall, I loved this chapter. I'm really enjoying this novel so far. It's like a cross between Bartimaeus and something Terry Pratchett would write--it's fun and light and just a pleasure to read. Jot is, of course, highly entertaining and so far I think Chance is starting to grow on me as well. It's really hard to critique this style, since the writing itself doesn't take itself seriously (and that's the whole point!). It's also really hard to tell someone how to write it if they're not--luckily for me, you're incredibly good at writing this style. ;} Did I mention yet that I enjoy reading this novel? No? Well, I do.
However, there are a few bits of this chapter that I think could use work.
Firstly, the dialogue. If other reviews are anything to go by, the dialogue used to be a lot more modern/casual, and you've since edited it. It's weird to read that, though, because when I was reading the chapter (before reading the reviews) I had exactly the opposite complaint--it felt a little too archaic and formal, especially since the parts before it weren't like that. I feel like the way Chance talks changed pretty drastically in this part. You've probably sorted this out by now in later chapters, but if you haven't then I think you need to decide on how Chance speaks and make it consistent.
The other things I'd like to talk about both have to do with Jot's motives. In the last part, he was pretty eager to kill Chance. He just wanted to toy with him first to have some fun. It was his lunch time, even! But in this part, he seems to suddenly have respect for Chance. He not only hears what the boy says, but actually listens. Actually thinks about it. I think this change was a bit weird. I'd think the change would only come about after the mention of the steel, but you made it happen long before that. Maybe make him more skeptical a little longer? Then the bit with the steel (which I loved, by the way) would be a more drastic change.
By other issue with Jot's motives actually has to do with the steel. I'm surprised that he could be swayed so easily. I mean, it's just a promise! He doesn't even know if Chance will keep his word. Sure, they swore on it, but there's nothing really stopping Chance from going back on his swear, is there? Plus, this whole adventure thing sounds like a big change of life for the lazy Jot. I think he needs other motives driving him as well. Maybe he realizes that he's actually getting tired of his lazy way of life? Maybe he really wants to get back at Terpith? Something along those lines would, I think, strengthen the chapter.
Overall, I like this a lot. I feel like I say that a lot, but I really want you to know how much I'm enjoying this. I'm not even sure my suggestions would make it any better--there more of things I thought about while reading and thought you might like to think about while editing.
Good job, Clockie, I'll be back for more soon. :]
a
[quote="Ranger Hawk"]Well here's the next chapter! Sorry it's a little long; I normally don't post such long sections but I can't break it off in any other spots.
As a brief reminder, the young man Chance has just asked Jot the dragon for help regarding a damsel.
Here There Be Dragons
Chapter Two
Well! This was rich! A human stringbean needing my help! I have to admit, I was quite amused.
“This is a joke, right? Someone took advantage of your idiotic nature and sent you up here, telling you to ask the dragon for help. This is ridiculous.”
Chance flipped his visor up, and I caught sight of two red spots on his very white face. “Sir dragon, I am not being put up to this. I have come of my own volition and I am asking you in all seriousness to come to my aid.”
“For what? What could you need my help for?”
“Sir dragon, if you will allow me to explain my plight, I would be most grateful.”
Temporarily befuddled, I settled back onto my haunches and flicked my tail. “Go on, I’m listening.”
He took a deep breath and began. “My father is lord of the Wolelands, and I am his heir. My sister, Thelia, is a maiden of beauty rare.”
#FF0000 ">“Oh my, this isn’t going in the direction of incest, is it?” I stirred anxiously. “I’m having no hand in it—messy businesses, those, not to mention morally disgusting.”He glared at me, insulted. “Not in the least,” he said huffily. “We share the purest of affection. Indeed, it is for the sake of her purity that I am setting forth. She drew the attention of a visiting wizard—Terpith by name.”
I felt a shudder ripple under my scales at the name—he was a bad ’un indeed. I owed a couple of good scars to him.
“The accursed wizard has taken my sister—she would not come with him—and has hidden her in his tower in the citadel of Rale.”
“The king’s place,” I commented. “About forty leagues away. You’ve got quite a journey ahead of you.” This boy was certainly in a pickle. And what he thought he was going to gain with me was even more intriguing.
“I have spoken out against him, but the city is corrupt. Only those with power, prominence, and wealth will be heard justly. In regards to the king’s court, I am aidless.”
“Break her out,” I suggested with a yawn. It had been a while since I had had such a long conversation. “Or maybe she likes living with him. Just think, it’s the richest part of the country. Improvement upon her former status, eh?”
“She would rather die than be married to Terpith.” Again, I shivered slightly. “I must rescue her. My father is too weak, or he would, too.”
“And what, may I ask, does this have to do with me?”
Here he hesitated, forming his words carefully. “I am in need of someone who is able to defeat Terpith. There is no other living creature I know of who can oppose so powerful a wizard.”
“That is true. But what do you expect me to do?” I asked, amused. “Break through the tower and fly away with your sister?”
By the silence of his response, I knew I had struck on his thoughts.
“And even if you came up with some ingenious way of rescuing your sister, why would I want to help you?”
“I could reward you most handsomely,” he replied.
“Oh yeah? How so? You don’t look like you’d make much of a meal for me.”
#0000BF ">“I know what it is that dragons desire, more than gold and jewels,” he said in a low voice, as if letting me in on a secret. “I know how much you love the taste and sound and feel and shine,” his voice dropped to a whisper, “of steel.”I blinked, surprised. Yes, he was right. Completely right. How he ever came to know such a thing was beyond me. But it was true—steel was a mystery, something we dragons both loved and hated. It shone brilliantly against the light, and was beautiful to behold—but it was used to make the very weapons and armor that led to our death. Somehow, in an ironic way, we were attracted to its deathly shine. It was partly why we put up with the knights for as long as we did; whenever one died, we would take the armor and melt it and guard it jealously, our spoils of war.
“I could give you steel aplenty; unformed, pure, as much as this cave could hold.”
I cast a glance around the room, thinking. It was silly, this whole idea. I should just eat the boy and be done with the whole business…but his words would not leave.
To be the possessor of so much gleaming metal—my scales shook and I felt a flame of desire leap within me. To have, to hold, to see, and unharmed, too! The familiar surge of greed and longing came upon me, and I growled, “You would do this?”
The boy nodded solemnly. “Upon the graves of my forefathers, I do swear to keep my word and supply you with steel enough to fill this cavern if you are faithful and aid me in rescuing my sister and defeating the wizard Terpith. Do you swear this also, dragon, along with the promise of leaving myself, and anyone else I designate, unharmed?”
“I swear,” I growled, eyes alight. “I swear upon the blood and bones sunken into the ground from my doing.”
He nodded, satisfied, and I felt my eagerness abate. An odd weariness settled over me and I started thinking about what I had just sworn.
“Now hold on just a minute. How am I supposed to aid you? Nothing like this has ever been done before.” In fact, I was beginning to have second thoughts. How degrading would it be if the other dragons caught wind of me being in league with a scrawny human? How ridiculous! I could eat him now; one gulp wouldn’t harm him, right? That was all I had promised, not to harm him…
“I have not decided yet,” he said, scratching his nose. “It’s a long journey to Rale, though.”
“And I’m not carrying you,” I warned. “My wings are only so strong. Reedy as you are, I think you would weigh me down too much.”
“I have money enough to purchase a steed which would accomplish our quest,” he mused.
“You’re going to need a new suit of armor while you’re at it,” I put in. “Not to mention a sword that isn’t stuck inside an old scabbard.”
At those words, he imperiously drew the blade out of the sheath, and I took an involuntary step back before shaking my head angrily and taking two deliberate paces forward.
The sword’s blade, contrary to my previous belief, was shining and of the finest metal; it thrilled me to see it so close, so shining…
“This sword belonged to my father, and is a relic of the old times,” Chance said. “It shall do the deeds needed of it.” He slid it back into its scabbard and I felt myself flag a little.
“Well this is all very well, but how do you seriously propose setting forth? Shall I go ahead and burn any villages down?”
“Absolutely not,” he replied firmly. “The only ones I have a quarrel with are the wizards and court of Rale. We shall not involve anyone else if need be.”
“I’m not going to get the best reception wherever we go in this form. And I’m not going to go through undue risks, promise or no.”
“I shall think of that,” he said pettishly. “For now, let us walk.”
“Oh?” My tail thumped in surprise. “We’re leaving now?”
“Yes. I came prepared to see you, and in the event that you were not willing to strike a deal, I would have continued on alone.”
I laughed scornfully. “You mean you would’ve ended up inside my stomach, that’s what! I would have eaten you in a tick.”
Here the boy gave me a sidelong glance, and I must admit I found it almost…unnerving. His buggy blue eyes held a certain calm self-possession that was most unusual in someone of his age. He also had a knowing glint in them that I didn’t care for; he had already shown uncanny knowledge with the steel incident. Who knew what else was hidden away behind that most unpromising exterior?
“Lead the way, O Master,” I said dryly. He didn’t reply, and instead merely began the long descent down.
#FF0000 ">I waited until he was at the foot of the cliff before launching myself from the cave, spreading my wings as I did so and reveling in the feeling of air rushing beneath them. I spiraled down and landed gracefully on the ground, taking extra care of folding in my wings so the boy could be suitable impressed by them.
To my annoyance, the visor of his helmet seemed to have slammed down and did a nice job of covering his face up, so he missed my entire display. While he struggled with the rusted piece of metal, I stretched and looked out over the countryside. It was a pleasant place, indeed—little was I to know how long it would be before I ever saw it again.[/quote]
I laughed at almost every word, but what mainly made me really crack up was the red highlighted words. WHat intriuged me was the fact that in your versions of dragons, they are atracted to steel, not gold or even silver, but steel. You win the gold for individuality.
Hey Ranger! Another great chapter. It wasn't quite as amusing as the other sections, but Jot is still very funny.
This part made me laugh. I love how the dragon is judging Chance's morals.
This confused me a little. If Chance's father is a lord, wouldn't he have at least a little power and prominence to speak out against the wizard? Or have the Wolelands fallen so low that even being the lord of it means nothing? A little clarification would help here.
I don't like this paragraph. Clearly, Chance is the person speaking, but then Jot shivers in the middle of the dialogue. It almost makes it seem as though the dragon in the one saying these lines. I would change this a little to make it less confusing. Adding "Chance's voice darkened" or something to the beginning of the paragraph would make it easier to tell who's speaking.
I love the way that Jot's character is developing. The part about the steel is a nice touch. He seems very real to me. I also like the way that Chance is becoming more defined. My first impression was that he was a naive, slightly pathetic kid, but he's actually very brave.
The only problem I really have is all they've really done is talk so far. By the third chapter, I would hope that someone would have been eaten by now or something.
Really, though, these are just nitpicks. I love this story so far. Your style and voice is just phenomenal, and it's a very entertaining, light read. It's a much better approach to your typical boy-and-dragon stories than the humans finding dragon eggs or riding around on the dragons. And now that the characters are actually leaving the cave, I'm sure we can expect to see some more action. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Magnus
I absolutely love this story.
(by the way: great name for the Dragon)
In the first chapter, when you described that knight in rusty armor I though that he would be your typical "son of a too proud father that doesn't live up to his father's expectations". But no, he really is someone, he has character, a good motive for what he does and he's even smart. Oh well, he's still in puberty, but he'll grow out of it and until then, the reader (and you too, I suspect) will be very fond of his weaker moments.
Also the dragon: Great introduction in the first chapter of the story, I love how he speaks (but even more his thoughts) and how he messes with Chance. I liked how he used "old English" before, and I'm sad to see him speaking more normally now, though it's in perfect harmony with the story, so don't worry about it.
All in all, I'm really looking forward to reading more about Jot and "his" Chance.
~Lemikita
The dragon- Jot- and his sarcasm is absolutely refreshing. Once again, an amazing read.
Still not a thing that I would change, except the line "it thrilled me to see it so close; so shining..."
Maybe shining to shiny, because "shining" there kind of slows the reader down, personally. But all-in-all, loved it, and can't wait for 4!
Hawk!
Give me a shout. That's what. 
Speaking of not letting family members know when new things are posted. *looks pointedly at Hawk* Ahem.
On to the review, or shall I say, lack of review. I can't for the life of me find anything to nitpick. I feel completely useless. I'm sorry, niece, I have failed you. *bows head in shame* On the bright side, that's good for your story and you!
I love, love, love your dragon! And even scrawny little Chance has surprised me! This is turning out to be a fantastically epic story. So, you know what to do when you post the next chapter, right? Right?
Spoiler
Happy Writing!
Bailey
Thank you so much for the reviews! I'll be sure to watch my modern dialogue from now on.
Yessss! More Dragons! (: You must never stop writing this, you do realise this, right? ;P
Mwahahaha, I have a nit-pick or two...
These felt too modern for this story. As Lollipopper said, he sounds too much like a teenager of today than a dragon of then.
Suitably?
That was all I saw! The rest - I loved it. That dragon is really amusing, as usual, and I love how you showed his relationship with the wizard with Love it. And I also like how the damsel in distress is his sister, I'm so glad this has veered away from the dangerously cliché "hero wins the girl over after dangerous journey to save the fair lady". (: Seriously, if I was viewing this on Amazon right now I'd go click on the "add to basket" button right away.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
~Emma
It was good of Lolli to point out something. I have nothing. Like seriously.
Besides the fact that your Dragon is hilarious and entertaining, of course. I love how you continually renew your writing style. You've done mystery/horror, fantasy, and now this funny fantasy.
I absolutely love your writing, and I'M very sorry to have nothing else to add.
Brilliant writing, ma fille. Continue!
Mom.
Hello, Ranger Hawk:)
Thank you for PMing me! I'm surprised at how quickly you wrote this.
Gahaha. I'm gonna sound like such a kiss up. This was very good! Brava! I need more!:)
I think I need to point something out or my posts are useless, but the only thing I could pick out in this was that the dragon said "Oh yeah", in a situation where it almost sounds like a modern day teenager challenging his friend or something instead of medieval times. Just keep the voice steady, which you have through the whole thing except that bit. I don't even think it's much to worry about, though.
I will be waiting for then next PM with excitement! Thanks for sharing,
--Lollipopper
LOL! I just realized what I'd done before.. I'm so into this story that I liked the chapter before even reading XD !!
*goes and reads*
Hmm. No nit-picks.. That's a good thing
Again, good chapter. The dragon's attitude is so fun, so fresh; I love it!
And the whole "dragons love steel thing" was cool, I liked that a lot.
I honestly don't have anything else to say.
To the next chapter!